它活了！
It's alive!
我要打电话！
I want my phone call!
电话亭在墙上。
Payphone's on the wall.
喂？
Hello?
我爱你。
I love you.
啊，成功！
Ah, success!
要实现它，需要力量、无拘无束的野心，
To achieve it, you need power, unbridled ambition,
以及一头丰厚的头发！
and a full head of luxurious hair!
并非所有的不死邪恶主宰都有像我这样的头发，
Not every undead master of evil has hair like mine,
但相信我，黑暗男爵，
but trust me, Baron Dark,
当我说你也可以的时候，人们。
when I say you can, too, people.
为什么，这头发甚至可以抵御最严酷的风吹雨打。
Why, this hair can withstand even the harshest winds.
我不得不承认，它真是太棒了。
I have to admit, it's magnificent.
啊！
Aah!
你的头发，就像在发光。我不得不说这个。
Your hair is, like, glowing. I have to say this.
它永远不会干燥或因热而变得蓬松。
It never dries out or gets frizzy from heat.
我的意思是，这怎么可能做到呢？
I mean, how is that even possible?
哦！啊！
Ohh! Aah!
它就连湿的时候也看起来很棒。
It even looks great wet.
我的秘密是什么？
What's my secret?
这头发是从光明之星水晶那里得到的礼物，
The hair was a gift from the Lightstar Crystal
它把我变成了
that turned me into the Skeleton Warrior
你现在看到的骷髅战士。
you see here before you today.
在我的专利一周计划中，
In my patented one-week program,
它的魔力可以给任何人一头漂亮的头发。
its magic can give anyone a beautiful head of hair.
连我这样的人也可以吗？
Even moi?
连你这样的人也可以。
Even you.
是的！是的！
Yes! Yes!
我有力量了！
I have the power!
现在谁才是宇宙之主，He-Man？
Now who's master - of the universe, He- - Man?
一天一苹果，医生远离我。
An apple a day keeps the doctor away.
但如果你就是一个医生呢？
But what if you are a doctor?
你少了两分钱。
You're 2 cents short.
哦，我的眼睛，我的眼睛！
Oh, my eyes, my eyes!
欢迎来到妈妈和我的第一天。
Welcome to the first day of Mommy and Me.
我必须说，看到一个男人参与孩子的早期发展
And can I just say, it is so refreshing to see a man
真是令人耳目一新？
helping with his child's early development?
我不确定他是个孩子。
I'm not sure he is a child.
你真是个笑话。
You're a riot.
让我们从一些飞机开始吧。
Let's start off with some airplane.
哦，天哪。- 哎呀。
Oh, dear. - Uh-oh.
看来有人出了意外。
Looks like someone had an accident.
别担心。让我们尝试一些更轻松的活动。
No worries. Let's try a more relaxed activity.
你为什么不给他唱首歌呢？
Why don't you sing him a song?
我不太会唱歌。
I'm not really a singer.
你好。
Hello.
你好啊。这就是妈妈吗？
Why, hello. Is this Mommy?
不，她只是住在我的暖气管里。
No, she just lives in my radiator.
哦，我们完全支持非传统家庭。
Oh, we are totally supportive of alternative families.
你为什么要唱"摇篮曲"给他听？
Why did you sing him "Rock-a-bye, Baby"?
♪ 摇篮曲 ♪
♪ Rock-a-bye, baby ♪
♪ 在树梢上 ♪
♪ On the treetop ♪
♪ 当风吹时 ♪
♪ When the wind blows ♪
哦，天哪。
Oh, boy.
你什么时候给他换过尿布？
When was the last time you changed his diaper?
哦…从来没有。- 难怪。
Oh...never. - No wonder.
让我们来帮你清理一下，小家伙。
Let's get you cleaned up here, little guy.
呃…恶心。
Uh...eww.
哦，天哪！
Oh, my God!
只要一点婴儿爽身粉就能解决。
Nothing a little baby powder can't solve.
哦，来。- 把那些器官塞进去。
Oh, here. - Tuck those organs in there.
就像一个小卷饼。
Just like a little burrito.
好了。
There we go.
原来这样就是包裹婴儿的方法。
So that's how you swaddle a baby.
我本来想杀了他，但现在我有点喜欢他了。
I was going to kill him, but now I kind of like him.
太好了！
Wonderful!
你们真是…
You guys are...
牛排还是鱼？
Steak or the fish?
我要鱼。
The fish, please.
那你呢？
And for you?
现在是你的机会。成为"机器鸡"的一部分。
Now's your chance. Be a part of the "Robot Chicken" action.
狼人应该说什么？在Twitter上发推特回答。
What should the werewolf say? Tweet your answer.
你很棒，很有趣，现在就是你的机会。
You are awesome and funny, and now's your chance.
狼人应该说什么？
What should the werewolf say?
这是你为"机器鸡"写剧本的机会。
This is your chance to write for "Robot Chicken."
尽你所能。现在就去做。
Take your shot. Do it now.
这里是获胜者。
Here's the winner.
这是最有趣的推特。
This is the funniest tweet.
那你呢？
And for you?
我要鱼。
I'll have the fish.
你喜欢鲨鱼周，今年我们为你准备了
You love Shark Week, and this year, we're giving you
一个更好的专题周。
a week dedicated to something even better.
这就是马克周，一个全周的节目
It's Mark Week, an entire week of programing dedicated
都是关于马克的。
to everything Mark!
在日历上记下，因为我们有
Mark your calendar because we have
很多你不想错过的以马克为中心的节目。
tons of Mark-centric shows you don't want to miss.
比如"马克·库班的马克坦克"，
Like "Mark Cuban's Mark Tank,"
一个由名叫马克的人向马克·库班推销
a show where people named Mark
商业标记的节目，使用马克笔。
pitch business marks to Mark Cuban with markers.
还有"马克·扎克伯格"，一个节目，讲述马克·扎克伯格
And "Mark Zuckerberg," a show where Mark Zuckerberg
如何在创造轰动的同时给这个世界留下印记。
marks his mark on the world while making waves.
我可以打包票，你不会想错过马克周的高潮。
And mark my words. You don't want to miss the Mark event.
马克·伯内特的全新真人秀"一屋子的马克"世界首映，
The world premiere of Mark Burnett's new reality mark
这个节目把著名的马克们关在一个小房间里，
"A Roomful of Marks," the show that puts famous Marks
迫使他们以马克的形式伤害其他马克。
into a small mark, where they're forced to injure Marks
因为马克周从本周一开始。去发现马克吧。
over Marks in Mark form.
因为马克周从本周一开始。去发现马克吧。
Because Mark Week starts this Monday. Go and discover Mark.
这个乐队真烂。我要去洗手间。
This band sucks. I'm going to the bathroom.
快回来。- 他们可能是下一个披头士。
Hurry back. - They could be the next Beatles.
真是个好乐队，对吧？
Such a great band, right?
音乐深深触动了我的灵魂，
The music touches my soul in a deep way
只有艺术家才能理解。
only artists could understand.
我是Whisper。嘿，你想来后台见见乐队成员吗？
I'm Whisper. Hey, want to come backstage and meet the band?
我想我们确实很亲密。
I guess we're touching.
Odd Bird，这是Daria。哦，你好。
Odd Bird, this is Daria. Oh. Hello.
她说你们的音乐深深触动了她。
She said your music touched her deeply.
Daria，你显然是个非常聪明的女孩。
Daria, you are clearly a very smart girl.
我今晚在我的牧场举办派对，
I'm having an afterparty at my ranch tonight
有一些志同道合的人。
with some - very like-minded people.
我觉得你应该来参加。- 哇。
I think you should join us. - Wow.
被一个令人不安的陌生人邀请去他神秘的牧场。
An invitation to a mysterious ranch by a creepy stranger.
我怎么能错过这个机会呢？
How could I pass that up?
希望你让我喝- 某种冰糖水。
Hope you make me drink - some sort of Kool- - Aid now.
当然。Daria，我们是一群非常特殊的人。
Of course. Daria, we are a group of very special people.
我们被上帝选中，要乘坐外星飞船
We've been chosen by God to reach the kingdom of heaven
到达天国。
via - an extraterrestrial spacecraft.
我们的主人，一个叫Slumu的外星人，
Our master, an alien named Slumu,
今晚会带我们去那里。
will be escorting us there tonight.
哦，真棒。
Oh, joy.
那我们就拿出- 烙铁吧，好吗？
Let's bring out - the branding iron, shall we?
我先去洗手间。
I'm just gonna use the bathroom first.
我的讽刺语气一直在加深我的困境。
My sarcastic tone keeps digging me
我需要逃脱。
deeper and deeper into trouble. I need to escape.
Daria，你准备好乘坐飞碟升天了吗？
Daria, are you ready to ascend in a flying saucer
它拥有比人类最强大的军队更强大的魔力。
armed with magic more powerful than the greatest human armies?
当然。
Absolutely.
我又回到了我的狗屎里。
Back on my bullshit.
好了，各位。干杯！
All right, everyone. Cin cin!
哇哦哇哦哇哦。
Mm-mm-mm.
看来我最好的朋友们都走了。
Well, there go all my best friends.
发生什么了？
What happened?
他们没等我们。- 哎呀。
They did not wait for us. - Oops.
看来我是唯一被选中的人。
Guess I'm the only chosen one.
准备好接受肛检了吗？
Ready for your anal probe?
听起来真棒。
Sounds like a real treat.
我又回到了我的狗屎里。
Back on my bullshit.
所有恐龙都像你一样那么友好吗，巴尼？
Were all dinosaurs as nice as you, Barney?
当然，Kayla。
Why, yes, Kayla.
我爱你。
I love you.
你也爱我。
You love me.
我爱你，你也爱我。
I love you. You love me.
我爱你，你也爱我。
I love you. You love me.
你爱我，我也爱你。我爱你，你也爱我。
You love me. I love you. I love you. You love me.
嘿，那是什么？
Hey, what's that?
- 哦不！- 哦哦！
- Uh-oh! - Ohhh!
科学家把我解冻并用各种蜥蜴血液重启了我的器官，
After the scientists thawed me out and restarted my organs
之后我就开始伪造托儿所的执照了。
with a cocktail of various lizard bloods,
好的。
I got to work forging the license to run a daycare.
好的。
'Kay.
至少假装对此感兴趣，Kayla。
At least pretend to be interested, Kayla.
好的。
'Kay.
我所有的朋友都死了。
All my friends are dead.
好的。
'Kay.
去你妈的，Kayla。
Fuck you, Kayla.
好的。
'Kay.
是的，- 作为风险投资人
Yeah, - being a venture capitalist
意味着寻找新的机会，
means seeking out new opportunities,
但这到底是什么地方？
but what the hell is this place?
- MS Paint-a-- Bot星球？
- The planet MS Paint-a- - Bot?
嗨，我是Todd，这就是我的世界。
Hi. I'm Todd, and this is my world.
托德世界！
ToddWorld!
嗨，Todd。你们这里有牙医吗？
Hi, Todd. Does your world have dentists?
看看这家伙的嘴。
Look at this guy's mouth.
伙计，你只有一颗牙齿。
Dude, you only have one tooth.
你怎么咬宽大的食物？
How do you bite through wide foods?
比如理论上一片奶酪？
Like theoretically a slice of cheese?
Todd，我们是风险投资人。
Todd, we're venture capitalists.
我们想投资沉浸式环境。
We want to invest in immersive environments.
真棒！
Neato mosquito!
这周我们参观了侏罗纪世界、
This week, we visited Jurassic World,
西部世界和谋杀世界。
Westworld, and Murderworld.
让我告诉你，兄弟，托德世界
And let me tell you, bro-ham, ToddWorld
如果想要我们的种子资金，最好拿出点东西来。
better show us something if it wants our seed money.
嗯。哦，我的朋友Pickle
Hmm. Oh, my friend Pickle
要和他的乐队开演唱会了。
is about to play a concert with his band.
太棒了！
Hells yeah!
有美女和可卡因！真棒！
Groupies and coke! Grokies!
我听说我们这里有一些科技公司的老板。
I hear we have some tech bros in the house.
谁想加入？
Anyone want to join in?
好啊。我高中时玩过萨克斯。
Hell yeah. I played sax in high school.
好的，开始吧。1，2，3，4！
Oh, yeah, here it comes. 1, 2, 3, 4!
♪ 这是最棒的歌 ♪
♪ This is the best song ♪
♪ 未来格莱美获奖者 ♪
♪ Future Grammy winner ♪
♪ 如果旋律很强劲，你就可以吃节奏当晚餐 ♪
♪ If the melody is strong, you can have the beat for dinner ♪
停下！
Stop playing!
这歌就是一堆烧焦的牛屎！
This song is a pile of burning cow shit!
是啊，但我的萨克斯吹得不错吧？
Yeah, but my sax was good, right?
你的萨克斯听起来就像内德·比蒂
Your sax sounded like Ned Beatty getting ass-fucked
被操屁股，还拿着一盘"神秘河"！
with a VHS copy of "Deliverance"!
呃，这没什么。
And, uh, that's okay.
Stella不必喜欢你的音乐。
Stella doesn't have to like your music.
重要的是你自己喜欢。
All that matters is whether you like it.
这就是今天的课。
That's today's lesson.
是的！我觉得我们应该把所有钱都投到托德世界。
Yes! I think we should invest all our money in ToddWorld.
我也这么觉得。
Me too.
我们走吧。
Let's get out of here.
今天真正的课是，风险投资人
Today's real lesson is how venture capitalists
是情感上受损、功能失调的空虚体
are emotionally stunted, dysfunctional voids
他们会投资任何产品，
who invest in any product
只要能复制真正的人类体验。
that replicates a true human experience.
是啊，再过六个月，他们就会把我们卖给Facebook，
Yeah, and in six months, they'll sell us to Facebook
价格比他们买下我们的还要高好几倍。
for billions - more than they paid for us.
不要问国家能为你做什么，
Ask not what your country can do for you.
为什么我需要一个什么都不做的国家？
Why do I need a country that doesn't do anything?
问问你自己能为国家做什么。
Ask what you can do for your country.
听起来是一条单行道啊。
Sounds like a pretty one-way street.
嘿，伙计，我可没来你工作的地方
Hey, pal, I don't come down to where you work
把你嘴里的鸡巴打掉。
and slap the dick out of your mouth.
我想你把我和玛丽莲·梦露搞混了。
I think you're confusing me with Marilyn Monroe.
好一个烧伤！总统被烤焦了！
Burn. The president's been roasted!
是时候去给我爸妈敬一次礼了。
Time to pay my yearly respects to you, Mom and Dad.
什么鬼？这是从哪里来的？
What the... Where did this come from?
嘿，伙计，如果你想进去，得买张票。
Yeah, hey, man, if you want to get in, you got to buy a ticket.
喂？我是布鲁斯·韦恩。
Hello? I'm Bruce Wayne.
韦恩家族成员可享受9折优惠。
Wayne family members get a 10% discount.
哦，- 能被包括在内真好。
Oh, - always nice to be included.
欢迎来到托马斯和玛莎·韦恩谋杀小巷之旅。
Welcome to the Thomas and Martha Wayne Murder Alley Tour.
很遗憾，他们的生命在这里不远处
Sadly, their lives were cut short
被残酷夺走。
only a few hundred yards from where we stand.
这一切都始于这里的Giussepe's餐厅。
The evening began here at Giussepe's.
呃，不，这家餐厅根本就不存在。
Uh, no, this restaurant wasn't even here.
从墙上的收据可以看到，
As you can see - from the receipt on the wall,
托马斯点了粉色酱汁的天使面。
Thomas had the angel hair in pink sauce.
玛莎点了核桃虾。
Martha had the walnut shrimp.
我强烈推荐这道菜哦。
I highly recommend that, by the way.
布鲁斯点了烤奶酪三明治。
And Bruce had the grilled cheese.
这都不对。
This is all wrong.
核桃虾？- 她对海鲜过敏。
Walnut shrimp? - She was allergic to shellfish.
奶酪会让我拉肚子。
And cheese gives me diarrhea.
这张收据是在托马斯的钱包里找到的。
The receipt was found in Thomas' wallet.
作为证据被检查过后，
After being examined as evidence,
被韦恩基金会收下。
it was given to the Wayne Foundation.
他们慷慨地允许今天在这里展示。
They graciously allow it to be displayed here today.
好吧，第一，警察不会随意移交证据
Okay, one, the police don't just turn over evidence
给一个正在进行的案件，第二，他的钱包被偷了。
in an ongoing case, and, two, his wallet was stolen.
晚餐后，这个家庭来看了这部电影--
After dinner, the family came to see this movie --
"本杰的圣诞故事"。
"Benji's Very Own Christmas Story."
什么？！我讨厌这种电影。
What?! I hate those movies.
我们看的是"佐罗的传说"。
We saw "The Legend of Zorro."
他们提前离开，因为他们的儿子布鲁斯
They left early because their son, Bruce,
害怕圣诞老人的小矮人，不小心尿了裤子。
was frightened of the elves and accidentally wet his pants.
不，等等。
No, wait.
是的，那部本杰电影真不错。
Yes, that was a very good Benji movie.
哦！我尿裤子了，老兄。
Ooh! I done wet me pants, guv'nor.
耶稣他妈的基督。
Jesus fucking Christ.
把你所有的钱都给我。
Give me all your money.
还有珍珠。我很喜欢珍珠。
And pearls. I love pearls.
哦，拜托，射杀我的妻子和尿裤子的儿子，
Oh, please, shoot my wife and pants-wetting son,
但就放过我吧。这是诽谤。
but leave me alone. This is slander.
哎呀！我又尿裤子了。
Uh-oh! I done pissed in me pants again.
不，这不是发生的情况。
No, this is not what happened.
你们养的都是尿床的孩子？
You're raising bed wetters?
我要杀了你们。
I'll kill you for that.
砰！- 哦，天哪。
Blam! - Oh, my goodness.
不。
No.
砰，砰！- 啊！
Blam, blam! - Aah!
我发财了！
I'm rich!
这太离谱了！
This is an outrage!
哦，它溅到我脸上了！
Oh, it's in my face!
你为什么要用真的尿液？
Why would you use actual pee?
请从礼品店出口离开。
Please exit through the gift shop.
哇，这种环形纺织棉质真的很柔软。
Wow, this ring-spun cotton is really soft.